I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.