“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
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when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
happy friday
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult