my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
You Might Also Like
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.