“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
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My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.