I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
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I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog