How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
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does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
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Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?