Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I wish I could veto my bills.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’