Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
You Might Also Like
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S