boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
My typo game is string.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
#parenting
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.