My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
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Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
what’s really going on
Aight bet
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.