[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
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That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Shoo shoo! 😂
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.