debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
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Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.