lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
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Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
We have a winner.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I came this close!!!!
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*