If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
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ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while