I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
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guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Meow
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
dogs can find happiness so easily
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes