In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
You Might Also Like
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face