The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
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If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong