To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
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I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*