{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over