“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
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It’s an epidemic…
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me, reading some of your tweets
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆