Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
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[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT