Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
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Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Become ungovernable.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Seems kinda suspicious
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment