“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
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*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
#ProTip
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts