Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
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-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
remember
only for emergencies
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama