Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
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Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
This is the best one I’ve seen
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”