I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
the best thing i’ve ever made
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*