I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
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ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
This is the coolest video you will see today.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.