No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
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Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
this has to be peak English
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining