Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
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Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”