i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii