They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
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Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.