The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
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Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
(Jupiter –