It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
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Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.