One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
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Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Hey I worked for it too!
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late