I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
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Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Cat.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real