It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Breaking news:
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god