The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
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Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
men are simple creatures
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said