My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
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1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Breaking news:
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.