I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say