Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
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Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
let’s discuss
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.