Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
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Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
lol
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that