Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
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*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*