Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
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[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
that colleague who touches your screen
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Worlds greatest photobomb
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
The answer is funnier than the question
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.