At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
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“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“and how does that make you feel?”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner