Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
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“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
This kid is going places
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year