Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
You Might Also Like
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?