Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
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Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Ok but actually
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?