[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.