Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
You Might Also Like
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”