Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
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Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Rooting for the overdog
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.